the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
