When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize