I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
