Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
