Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
