You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
