She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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