This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
