Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
