he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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