I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
