I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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