as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
