if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
