all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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