just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
