Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
