do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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