He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
