i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
