genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does