i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
