I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
