Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
