So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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