So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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