This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
