Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
