I want you more than these girls want KFC
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
