Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
