pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
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