Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
