nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize