Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
