as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
