You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They took my balls.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
