I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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