Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You can't special order awesome
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
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my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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