I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
