Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
