You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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