and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
