The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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