I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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