that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
