so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
