There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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