One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
