haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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