You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
