1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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