I wish I could teleport
I want to have your abortion
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
