i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
