My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i love accidental penises.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
